by Dr. Gary Chapman
via e-Newsletter
John is a successful business man, but his wife is suffering from depression. "She spends most mornings in bed, and in the afternoons she just sits around the house," he said. "She seems to have no ambition. Every night, I have to bring food home for dinner. Many nights she doesn't eat with us. She has lost forty pounds over the last year. To be truthful, life is pretty miserable at our house. I feel sorry for the kids, although they get more attention than I do. But I know they must wonder what is wrong with their mother."
John just described some of the classic characteristics of depression. Unfortunately, depression does not go away simply with the passing of time. John's wife needs medical and psychological help, and without it things will get even worse. Many Christians don't understand depression. They think it is a spiritual problem. While it may have a spiritual dimension, it is often rooted in physical, and emotional imbalance.
Identifying the Problem
What do you do when your spouse is depressed? First, you must get information. It is helpful to think of three categories of depression. First, depression may be the by-product of a physical illness. When we are physically sick, our minds and emotions move into a depressed state. We temporarily check out. It's nature's way of protecting you from constant anxiety about your physical condition.
The second kind of depression is called situational depression or reactive depression. It is a depression that grows out of a particularly painful situation in life. Many of these experiences involve a sense of loss: the loss of a job, the loss of a child to college, or loss of a friendship.
The third category is depression rooted in some biochemical disorder. It is a physical disease, and must be treated with medication. Visit the library or search the web and learn about depression. It's the first step in helping your spouse.
Finding the Solution
The healthiest road of treatment involves an honest and in-depth evaluation of three elements: physical, psychological, and spiritual. Seriously depressed persons will seldom take initiative to help themselves. As a caring spouse you must insist that they get help. Depression is not an incurable disease. Even those who have been depressed for months or sometimes years can find relief with the proper treatment.
Long term depression can be devastating to a marriage. If your spouse has been depressed for more than a few weeks, I urge you to take action.
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Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
10/22/11
A Love Language Minute: A Tender Touch
by Dr. Gary Chapman
A Tender Touch
Keeping emotional love alive in a marriage makes life much more enjoyable. How do we keep love alive after the "in-love" emotions have evaporated? I believe it is by learning to speak each other's "love language." This week we will focus on physical touch.
For some husbands, when they hear the words physical touch, they immediately think of sex. But sexual intercourse is only one of the dialects of this love language. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, back rubs, or an arm around the shoulder are all ways of expressing love by physical touch.
Physical touch can make or break a marital relationship. Do you know how to speak this love language? To the spouse whose primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than your tender touches. You may give them words of affirmation or gifts, but nothing communicates love like physical touch.
Touches may be explicit and call for your full attention, such as a back rub or sexual foreplay. They can be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee. Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination. Kiss when you get in the car. It may greatly enhance your travels. Give a hug before you go shopping. You may hear less griping when you return. Remember, you are learning to speak a new language.
When you reach out with tender touch, you create emotional closeness. This is especially true if the primary love language of your spouse is physical touch. You may say, "What if I'm just not a toucher? I didn't grow up in a touchy-feely family." The good news is that you can learn to speak this love language. It can begin with a pat on the back, or putting your hand on their leg as you sit together on the couch.
Almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another. Why? During these times, we need to feel loved more than anything. All marriages will experience crises. Disappointments are a part of life. The most important thing you can do for your wife in a time of crisis is to love her. If her primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries. Your words may mean little, but your physical touch will communicate that you care. In a time of crisis, a hug is worth more than a thousand words. Physical touch is a powerful love language.
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Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at www.facebook.com/5lovelanguages
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
A Tender Touch
Keeping emotional love alive in a marriage makes life much more enjoyable. How do we keep love alive after the "in-love" emotions have evaporated? I believe it is by learning to speak each other's "love language." This week we will focus on physical touch.
For some husbands, when they hear the words physical touch, they immediately think of sex. But sexual intercourse is only one of the dialects of this love language. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, back rubs, or an arm around the shoulder are all ways of expressing love by physical touch.
Physical touch can make or break a marital relationship. Do you know how to speak this love language? To the spouse whose primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than your tender touches. You may give them words of affirmation or gifts, but nothing communicates love like physical touch.
Touches may be explicit and call for your full attention, such as a back rub or sexual foreplay. They can be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee. Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination. Kiss when you get in the car. It may greatly enhance your travels. Give a hug before you go shopping. You may hear less griping when you return. Remember, you are learning to speak a new language.
When you reach out with tender touch, you create emotional closeness. This is especially true if the primary love language of your spouse is physical touch. You may say, "What if I'm just not a toucher? I didn't grow up in a touchy-feely family." The good news is that you can learn to speak this love language. It can begin with a pat on the back, or putting your hand on their leg as you sit together on the couch.
Almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another. Why? During these times, we need to feel loved more than anything. All marriages will experience crises. Disappointments are a part of life. The most important thing you can do for your wife in a time of crisis is to love her. If her primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries. Your words may mean little, but your physical touch will communicate that you care. In a time of crisis, a hug is worth more than a thousand words. Physical touch is a powerful love language.
GET SOCIAL:
Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at www.facebook.com/5lovelanguages
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
A Love Language Minute: An Encouraging Story
by Dr. Gary Chapman
An Encouraging Story
Mark Twain once said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Good for Mark Twain, but I don't know many husbands and wives who can survive on six compliments a year. Solomon, author of the ancient Hebrew wisdom literature, wrote, "The tongue has the power of life and death. "Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. Verbal compliments are powerful communicators of love.
A Kind Tongue
There is a difference between encouraging words and nagging words. Encouraging words always focus on something your spouse wants to do, not something you want them to do. A nag is anything you tell your spouse more than three times. If we are to express love by words of affirmation, those words must be kind words.
Kindness also has to do with the manner in which we speak. Sometimes our words are saying one thing, but our tone of voice is saying another. Our spouse will usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use. The same words expressed with a loud, harsh voice will not be an expression of love, but an expression of condemnation and judgment.
An Encouraging Story
One way to verbally affirm your spouse is to give encouraging words. Allison always wanted to be a writer, but after receiving her first rejection slip from the publisher, she gave up. One evening her husband Keith came into the den and said, "I hate to interrupt your reading, but I have to tell you this. I just finished reading your article. Allison, you are an excellent writer. This stuff ought to be published! Your words paint pictures that I can visualize. You have got to submit this stuff to some magazines."
"Do you really think so?" Allison asked.
"I know so," Keith said. "I'm telling you, this is good."
Ten years later, Allison has had several articles published and has her first book contract. She credits her success to Keith's words of encouragement. Perhaps your spouse has untapped potential in one or more areas of life. That potential may be awaiting your encouraging words.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
An Encouraging Story
Mark Twain once said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Good for Mark Twain, but I don't know many husbands and wives who can survive on six compliments a year. Solomon, author of the ancient Hebrew wisdom literature, wrote, "The tongue has the power of life and death. "Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. Verbal compliments are powerful communicators of love.
A Kind Tongue
There is a difference between encouraging words and nagging words. Encouraging words always focus on something your spouse wants to do, not something you want them to do. A nag is anything you tell your spouse more than three times. If we are to express love by words of affirmation, those words must be kind words.
Kindness also has to do with the manner in which we speak. Sometimes our words are saying one thing, but our tone of voice is saying another. Our spouse will usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use. The same words expressed with a loud, harsh voice will not be an expression of love, but an expression of condemnation and judgment.
An Encouraging Story
One way to verbally affirm your spouse is to give encouraging words. Allison always wanted to be a writer, but after receiving her first rejection slip from the publisher, she gave up. One evening her husband Keith came into the den and said, "I hate to interrupt your reading, but I have to tell you this. I just finished reading your article. Allison, you are an excellent writer. This stuff ought to be published! Your words paint pictures that I can visualize. You have got to submit this stuff to some magazines."
"Do you really think so?" Allison asked.
"I know so," Keith said. "I'm telling you, this is good."
Ten years later, Allison has had several articles published and has her first book contract. She credits her success to Keith's words of encouragement. Perhaps your spouse has untapped potential in one or more areas of life. That potential may be awaiting your encouraging words.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
8/19/11
Love is Practical
A Love Language Minute: Love is Practical
God's Expectation
"Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it." I, for one, am fully willing to admit that apart from the work of Christ and the ministry of the Holy Spirit in my life I am not likely to be that kind of husband. I am in fact, self-centered and often selfish.
However, there is no question that this is God's expectation of me and all husbands. As Christians we must not accept the cultural norm as our standard. Rather, we must recognize that in Christ we have the ability to transcend the pull of selfishness and truly become lovers. Few wives will run away from a husband who is loving as Christ loved.
Contract, Criticism, and Covenant
Many people view marriage as a contract. "I'll do this if you will do that." With enough criticism your spouse may do what you want, but it will not be an expression of love. True love is a choice and cannot be coerced. Criticism and demands tend to drive wedges. Each of us must decide daily to love or not to love.
If we decide to love, then we need to view marriage differently. The Bible paints for us a better picture of how we are to love and commit ourselves to one another. It views marriage as a covenant, not a contract. Covenants might include such affirmations as:
I will look out for your well-being no matter how you treat me.
I view our marriage as a permanent relationship.
I will not walk out on you.
Because I love you, I will confront you when I see you doing things that I believe are harmful.
I will speak the truth in love.
When you confess wrong doing, I will forgive you and never hold it against you in the future.
I am committed to helping you accomplish God's will for your life.
You can count on my support.
Where does one get the heart and the power to live out such a covenant? I know of only one source - God. He is a covenant keeping God and will help you keep your covenant.
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Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/5lovelanguages
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God's Expectation
"Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it." I, for one, am fully willing to admit that apart from the work of Christ and the ministry of the Holy Spirit in my life I am not likely to be that kind of husband. I am in fact, self-centered and often selfish.
However, there is no question that this is God's expectation of me and all husbands. As Christians we must not accept the cultural norm as our standard. Rather, we must recognize that in Christ we have the ability to transcend the pull of selfishness and truly become lovers. Few wives will run away from a husband who is loving as Christ loved.
Contract, Criticism, and Covenant
Many people view marriage as a contract. "I'll do this if you will do that." With enough criticism your spouse may do what you want, but it will not be an expression of love. True love is a choice and cannot be coerced. Criticism and demands tend to drive wedges. Each of us must decide daily to love or not to love.
If we decide to love, then we need to view marriage differently. The Bible paints for us a better picture of how we are to love and commit ourselves to one another. It views marriage as a covenant, not a contract. Covenants might include such affirmations as:
I will look out for your well-being no matter how you treat me.
I view our marriage as a permanent relationship.
I will not walk out on you.
Because I love you, I will confront you when I see you doing things that I believe are harmful.
I will speak the truth in love.
When you confess wrong doing, I will forgive you and never hold it against you in the future.
I am committed to helping you accomplish God's will for your life.
You can count on my support.
Where does one get the heart and the power to live out such a covenant? I know of only one source - God. He is a covenant keeping God and will help you keep your covenant.
GET SOCIAL:
Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/5lovelanguages
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
8/11/11
How can married Christians avoid emotional affairs?
Question: "How can married Christians avoid emotional affairs?"
Answer: An emotional affair occurs when a married person shares emotional intimacy and support with an individual other than his/her spouse. Marital partners should share problems, feelings, and needs with one another and determine the boundaries of what can be shared and to whom. Depending on others to meet our emotional needs can become a temptation, especially when spouses spend much time apart while spending large blocks of time with others. Co-workers and those in close proximity on a daily basis can become a substitute for emotional support. Work relations and friendships need to have proper boundaries to ensure they do not become inappropriate.
There are warning signs that a platonic friendship could be leading to an emotional affair. When we start to feel a need to hide aspects of a relationship, we are crossing a line into inappropriate territory. Emotional distance between spouses or an increase in arguments may indicate one spouse is turning to another person for closeness. Intimacy requires closeness, and that cannot happen if a spouse gives his/her closeness to someone outside the marriage. Thus, emotional affairs often lead to sexual affairs as the intimate emotional closeness shifts to physical closeness. Many people deny the seriousness of an emotional affair, but such affairs are not harmless and can destroy marriages and families.
Christians should make choices that guard against the temptation to lean on someone other than the spouse God has given to them. Some are:
1. Do not spend time alone with anyone of the opposite gender, especially one you are attracted to.
2. Do not spend more time with another person than your spouse.
3. Do not share intimate details of life with anyone before sharing it with your spouse.
4. Live transparently. Do everything as if your spouse is present.
5. Devote personal time to prayer and Bible study. Ask God to put a hedge around your marriage.
6. Maintain a pure thought life. Do not entertain fantasies about other people.
7. Plan time with your spouse on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis and use those times to build emotional closeness between you.
All of these choices will help Christians to identify weak areas and avoid the temptation of an emotional affair.
Christian priorities must put marriage and family second only to the Lord. The Lord designed marriage to make two people into one person (Genesis 2:24). He wants them to grow together and let nothing separate them (Matthew 19:6). Married partners must value their relationship in the way the Lord values marriage and work on ways to build closeness in order to strengthen it. The Lord also forbids adultery or lusting for a person outside of marriage (Proverbs 6:25; Exodus 20:14; Matthew 5:28). People who go outside the Lord’s design to meet their needs will ultimately sin against God and potentially ruin their relationships with Him and with one another (Proverbs 6:32; 1 Corinthians 6:9-20).
The world believes that married partners need to have separate lives to be healthy. That is simply not God’s plan in creating men and women or marriage. He intended for married people to share a life together and create a family. Intimacy is formed when people are planning their lives together rather than living two separate lives in the same household. Those who do not understand God’s plan for married people can be misled into thinking it is unhealthy to share everything with one person, but that is what makes marriage different than any other relationship. It is a blessed union between two people and mirrors that of Christ and His church. Sharing intimacy with someone other than a spouse, whether physical or emotional, is sin and a violation of trust.
Recommended Resource: Intimate Allies by Dan B. Allender.
© Copyright 2002-2011 Got Questions Ministries - All Rights Reserved.
www.gotquestions.org - Bible Questions Answered
Answer: An emotional affair occurs when a married person shares emotional intimacy and support with an individual other than his/her spouse. Marital partners should share problems, feelings, and needs with one another and determine the boundaries of what can be shared and to whom. Depending on others to meet our emotional needs can become a temptation, especially when spouses spend much time apart while spending large blocks of time with others. Co-workers and those in close proximity on a daily basis can become a substitute for emotional support. Work relations and friendships need to have proper boundaries to ensure they do not become inappropriate.
There are warning signs that a platonic friendship could be leading to an emotional affair. When we start to feel a need to hide aspects of a relationship, we are crossing a line into inappropriate territory. Emotional distance between spouses or an increase in arguments may indicate one spouse is turning to another person for closeness. Intimacy requires closeness, and that cannot happen if a spouse gives his/her closeness to someone outside the marriage. Thus, emotional affairs often lead to sexual affairs as the intimate emotional closeness shifts to physical closeness. Many people deny the seriousness of an emotional affair, but such affairs are not harmless and can destroy marriages and families.
Christians should make choices that guard against the temptation to lean on someone other than the spouse God has given to them. Some are:
1. Do not spend time alone with anyone of the opposite gender, especially one you are attracted to.
2. Do not spend more time with another person than your spouse.
3. Do not share intimate details of life with anyone before sharing it with your spouse.
4. Live transparently. Do everything as if your spouse is present.
5. Devote personal time to prayer and Bible study. Ask God to put a hedge around your marriage.
6. Maintain a pure thought life. Do not entertain fantasies about other people.
7. Plan time with your spouse on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis and use those times to build emotional closeness between you.
All of these choices will help Christians to identify weak areas and avoid the temptation of an emotional affair.
Christian priorities must put marriage and family second only to the Lord. The Lord designed marriage to make two people into one person (Genesis 2:24). He wants them to grow together and let nothing separate them (Matthew 19:6). Married partners must value their relationship in the way the Lord values marriage and work on ways to build closeness in order to strengthen it. The Lord also forbids adultery or lusting for a person outside of marriage (Proverbs 6:25; Exodus 20:14; Matthew 5:28). People who go outside the Lord’s design to meet their needs will ultimately sin against God and potentially ruin their relationships with Him and with one another (Proverbs 6:32; 1 Corinthians 6:9-20).
The world believes that married partners need to have separate lives to be healthy. That is simply not God’s plan in creating men and women or marriage. He intended for married people to share a life together and create a family. Intimacy is formed when people are planning their lives together rather than living two separate lives in the same household. Those who do not understand God’s plan for married people can be misled into thinking it is unhealthy to share everything with one person, but that is what makes marriage different than any other relationship. It is a blessed union between two people and mirrors that of Christ and His church. Sharing intimacy with someone other than a spouse, whether physical or emotional, is sin and a violation of trust.
Recommended Resource: Intimate Allies by Dan B. Allender.
© Copyright 2002-2011 Got Questions Ministries - All Rights Reserved.
www.gotquestions.org - Bible Questions Answered
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