via A Love Language Minute e-Letter
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
What's the best Christmas present you can give your kids this year? An iPad? An e-reader?
The other day in the car, Colin asked if we could get a bigger Christmas tree. The one we chose is puny, evidently. I think he wants more room for presents.
That caused me to think about what I really want to give them. I love giving toys, trinkets, gadgets, and giz. I love giving books and gift cards and musical instruments. I love the feeling of watching them open a present and seeing the recognition on their faces that someone knows them, sees inside their souls well enough to get that DVD or pair of woolen socks.
But the truth is, the greatest gift I can give my children can't be placed under a tree, no matter how big it is. The greatest gift I can give my family is a commitment to my marriage and the fortitude to work on that relationship no matter what.
On the cover of the book, A Marriage Carol, there is a Christmas wreath. And below that, the door knocker is in the shape of an engagement ring. These circles represent something that will last, something that has no end. The contents of the book, we hope, will encourage couples to continue the struggle, continue to fight for their marriage even if things seem bleak.
If your relationship is frosty, cold, or almost dead, all the trinkets, toys, and gadgets in the world will not make your kids happy. Their real happiness comes in the security they feel with two parents who are committed enough to each other not to quit, but to humble themselves and go to work.
If you're married, give the gift that will keep giving to your children, your friends, everyone around you, and also yourself. Give the gift of commitment.
No wrapping paper or bow needed.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
12/3/11
11/12/11
A Marriage Carol
"Sometimes it takes a snowstorm to melt a heart."
On Christmas Eve twenty years earlier, Marlee and Jacob were married in a snowstorm. This Christmas Eve, they are ready to quit, divorce is imminent. Their relationship is as icy as the road they’re traveling and as blocked with troubles as the piling snow. They take a shortcut to get to the lawyer’s office, on a slippery, no-fault path. She thinks they need to stay on the main road. He disagrees. They fight. Story of their lives and they slam into a bank of snow , spinning, drifting, falling, out of control. Just like their lives. Reluctantly, freezing cold, hungry, scared, she trudges up the hill. Jacob is nowhere to be found. Her ears frozen, fingers and hands red, she comes to a house on the hillside, built like a Bed and Breakfast, a green wreath on the red door and the door-knocker is in the shape of a wedding ring.
The red door opens and the first thing she notices is the fire in the room, blazing hot, a warm, inviting, friendly place and the voice of an old man welcomes her in. There are three golden pots on the hearth, shining, glimmering things. The old man claims that they are used to restore marriages. She laughs-and begins a journey through her past, present, and future that will test how she views her lifelong love. There are two futures available. Which will she choose?
Website: http://amarriagecarol.com/
Love Languages Page for Book: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/resource/a-marriage-carol/
A Marriage Carol Trailer
A Marriage Carol Trailer from River North Fiction on Vimeo.
From Chris Fabry and Gary Chapman, this story penetrates the fragile and fierce relationship of marriage, so worth our deepest and most difficult effort to preserve.Video Link: http://vimeo.com/28434453
Website: http://amarriagecarol.com/
Love Languages Page: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/resource/a-marriage-carol/
© Copyright 2010 Moody Publishers. All Rights Reserved.
http://www.moodypublishers.com/
http://www.5lovelanguages.com
A Love Language Minute: The Power of Words (Veterans Day)
via Love Language Minute E-Letter
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Editor's Note: On behalf Dr. Gary Chapman and all the Chapman Team here at Northfield Publishing, we would like to express our deepest appreciation to all those who have served, or are currently serving, our country in the military. Thank you for your service and sacrifice! In light of Veterans Day, we would like to share with you an excerpt of an article Dr. Chapman wrote for Military Spouse Magazine several years ago. Enjoy.
"Don't underestimate the power of words!"
That's what my mother told me when my dad was deployed in World War II. For them, it was true because she wrote Dad a letter every day. And he wrote her every time he had a free minute. The letters may have been a month late, but they brought news from home. And they expressed love. Mom and Dad stayed connected though separated by the miles and months.
In today's world, with computers and wireless phones, staying connected is easier than ever. Staying connected while apart is the best way to make re-entry sweet. If you are disconnected during deployment, it takes time to re-establish intimacy. If one of you has violated trust by being unfaithful, it takes genuine confession and forgiveness; then it follows the often slow process of rebuilding trust.
For the average couple who stays somewhat connected while deployed and remain true to each other, re-entry can be heavenly; with perhaps a few hellish moments. Whatever problems you had before deployment did not go away while you were apart. You must start, not where you left off, but where you are now. That means, taking time to talk and listen. It means sharing what has happened while the two of you have been apart. Obviously, there is not time to relive all the experiences, but if you are to reconnect, you must share some of what has transpired.
Don't underestimate the power of words. They can make or break a relationship. Such statements as, "I missed you. I'm proud of you. You look great; I am glad you are home," communicate love to the one who has been deployed. While "You did a such a good job with the things while I was away. I'm so lucky to have you as a husband/wife. You look fabulous. I am so glad to be home again," communicate encouragement to the one who stated at home. No matter what has happened, beginning with positive words creates a climate for reconstruction.
This does not mean that you cannot voice your concerns, but even this need to be done in a positive way. "I know I may be misreading this. There are probably some things I don't know. But I felt concerned when...." This kind of statement is not condemning, but seeks information to clarify the situation. You can process your differences so long as you do not condemn each other. When you condemn and harshly criticize, you may create a war that is more volatile than the one from which you have returned.
The motif of a good marriage is mutual support and encouragement. Questions like, "What could I do to help you? How can I make your life easier? How could I best show my love to you?" express an attitude of helpfulness and will likely be well received by your spouse. Reaching out to help each other, you become partners in life, which is what marriage is all about.
The greatest detriment to such positive partnership is selfishness. Perhaps both of you feel that you have gone through a difficult period of life and you deserve a little pampering. However, when you focus on yourselves and start demanding things of each other, you become enemies. When you freely and genuinely reach out with the attitude of helping your spouse, you both become winners. Successful re-entry occurs when both partners seek the well being of the other.
Marsha, the wife of an enlisted man captured it all when she said "After all he had been through, I could not believe it when he came home and said, 'It was a hard deployment. But I'm home now and I'm here to serve you.' Of course, I wanted to serve him. What wife wouldn't respond positively to a husband who has that attitude?"
GET SOCIAL:
Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/5lovelanguages
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/drgarychapman
View an archive of past emails: http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs016/1102482325051/archive/1102606994853.html
© 2010 Moody Publishers
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
*******************************************************************
Building Relationships
Faith Deployed...Again - Jocelyn Green
Saturday, November 12, 2011
On the day after Veteran's Day, we'll present this special Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Our guest is author and military wife, Jocelyn Green. As husbands are being deployed multiple times, the women left behind need encouragement and strength to maintain the home front. And the church can be a valuable part of the process.
Featured Product: Faith Deployed by Jocelyn Green
Tune in to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, the weekly radio broadcast brought to you by Moody Radio and Moody Publishers. Listen live online Saturday mornings at 10 a.m. and evenings at 7:00 p.m. CST at moodyradio.org, check your local radio station, or download free podcasts and get more information.
Missed a program? Click here to visit the audio archive.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Editor's Note: On behalf Dr. Gary Chapman and all the Chapman Team here at Northfield Publishing, we would like to express our deepest appreciation to all those who have served, or are currently serving, our country in the military. Thank you for your service and sacrifice! In light of Veterans Day, we would like to share with you an excerpt of an article Dr. Chapman wrote for Military Spouse Magazine several years ago. Enjoy.
"Don't underestimate the power of words!"
That's what my mother told me when my dad was deployed in World War II. For them, it was true because she wrote Dad a letter every day. And he wrote her every time he had a free minute. The letters may have been a month late, but they brought news from home. And they expressed love. Mom and Dad stayed connected though separated by the miles and months.
In today's world, with computers and wireless phones, staying connected is easier than ever. Staying connected while apart is the best way to make re-entry sweet. If you are disconnected during deployment, it takes time to re-establish intimacy. If one of you has violated trust by being unfaithful, it takes genuine confession and forgiveness; then it follows the often slow process of rebuilding trust.
For the average couple who stays somewhat connected while deployed and remain true to each other, re-entry can be heavenly; with perhaps a few hellish moments. Whatever problems you had before deployment did not go away while you were apart. You must start, not where you left off, but where you are now. That means, taking time to talk and listen. It means sharing what has happened while the two of you have been apart. Obviously, there is not time to relive all the experiences, but if you are to reconnect, you must share some of what has transpired.
Don't underestimate the power of words. They can make or break a relationship. Such statements as, "I missed you. I'm proud of you. You look great; I am glad you are home," communicate love to the one who has been deployed. While "You did a such a good job with the things while I was away. I'm so lucky to have you as a husband/wife. You look fabulous. I am so glad to be home again," communicate encouragement to the one who stated at home. No matter what has happened, beginning with positive words creates a climate for reconstruction.
This does not mean that you cannot voice your concerns, but even this need to be done in a positive way. "I know I may be misreading this. There are probably some things I don't know. But I felt concerned when...." This kind of statement is not condemning, but seeks information to clarify the situation. You can process your differences so long as you do not condemn each other. When you condemn and harshly criticize, you may create a war that is more volatile than the one from which you have returned.
The motif of a good marriage is mutual support and encouragement. Questions like, "What could I do to help you? How can I make your life easier? How could I best show my love to you?" express an attitude of helpfulness and will likely be well received by your spouse. Reaching out to help each other, you become partners in life, which is what marriage is all about.
The greatest detriment to such positive partnership is selfishness. Perhaps both of you feel that you have gone through a difficult period of life and you deserve a little pampering. However, when you focus on yourselves and start demanding things of each other, you become enemies. When you freely and genuinely reach out with the attitude of helping your spouse, you both become winners. Successful re-entry occurs when both partners seek the well being of the other.
Marsha, the wife of an enlisted man captured it all when she said "After all he had been through, I could not believe it when he came home and said, 'It was a hard deployment. But I'm home now and I'm here to serve you.' Of course, I wanted to serve him. What wife wouldn't respond positively to a husband who has that attitude?"
GET SOCIAL:
Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/5lovelanguages
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/drgarychapman
View an archive of past emails: http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs016/1102482325051/archive/1102606994853.html
© 2010 Moody Publishers
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
*******************************************************************
Faith Deployed...Again - Jocelyn Green
Saturday, November 12, 2011
On the day after Veteran's Day, we'll present this special Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Our guest is author and military wife, Jocelyn Green. As husbands are being deployed multiple times, the women left behind need encouragement and strength to maintain the home front. And the church can be a valuable part of the process.
Featured Product: Faith Deployed by Jocelyn Green
Tune in to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, the weekly radio broadcast brought to you by Moody Radio and Moody Publishers. Listen live online Saturday mornings at 10 a.m. and evenings at 7:00 p.m. CST at moodyradio.org, check your local radio station, or download free podcasts and get more information.
Missed a program? Click here to visit the audio archive.
11/4/11
A Love Language Minute: The Depressed Spouse
by Dr. Gary Chapman
via e-Newsletter
John is a successful business man, but his wife is suffering from depression. "She spends most mornings in bed, and in the afternoons she just sits around the house," he said. "She seems to have no ambition. Every night, I have to bring food home for dinner. Many nights she doesn't eat with us. She has lost forty pounds over the last year. To be truthful, life is pretty miserable at our house. I feel sorry for the kids, although they get more attention than I do. But I know they must wonder what is wrong with their mother."
John just described some of the classic characteristics of depression. Unfortunately, depression does not go away simply with the passing of time. John's wife needs medical and psychological help, and without it things will get even worse. Many Christians don't understand depression. They think it is a spiritual problem. While it may have a spiritual dimension, it is often rooted in physical, and emotional imbalance.
Identifying the Problem
What do you do when your spouse is depressed? First, you must get information. It is helpful to think of three categories of depression. First, depression may be the by-product of a physical illness. When we are physically sick, our minds and emotions move into a depressed state. We temporarily check out. It's nature's way of protecting you from constant anxiety about your physical condition.
The second kind of depression is called situational depression or reactive depression. It is a depression that grows out of a particularly painful situation in life. Many of these experiences involve a sense of loss: the loss of a job, the loss of a child to college, or loss of a friendship.
The third category is depression rooted in some biochemical disorder. It is a physical disease, and must be treated with medication. Visit the library or search the web and learn about depression. It's the first step in helping your spouse.
Finding the Solution
The healthiest road of treatment involves an honest and in-depth evaluation of three elements: physical, psychological, and spiritual. Seriously depressed persons will seldom take initiative to help themselves. As a caring spouse you must insist that they get help. Depression is not an incurable disease. Even those who have been depressed for months or sometimes years can find relief with the proper treatment.
Long term depression can be devastating to a marriage. If your spouse has been depressed for more than a few weeks, I urge you to take action.
GET SOCIAL: Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/5lovelanguages
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
via e-Newsletter
John is a successful business man, but his wife is suffering from depression. "She spends most mornings in bed, and in the afternoons she just sits around the house," he said. "She seems to have no ambition. Every night, I have to bring food home for dinner. Many nights she doesn't eat with us. She has lost forty pounds over the last year. To be truthful, life is pretty miserable at our house. I feel sorry for the kids, although they get more attention than I do. But I know they must wonder what is wrong with their mother."
John just described some of the classic characteristics of depression. Unfortunately, depression does not go away simply with the passing of time. John's wife needs medical and psychological help, and without it things will get even worse. Many Christians don't understand depression. They think it is a spiritual problem. While it may have a spiritual dimension, it is often rooted in physical, and emotional imbalance.
Identifying the Problem
What do you do when your spouse is depressed? First, you must get information. It is helpful to think of three categories of depression. First, depression may be the by-product of a physical illness. When we are physically sick, our minds and emotions move into a depressed state. We temporarily check out. It's nature's way of protecting you from constant anxiety about your physical condition.
The second kind of depression is called situational depression or reactive depression. It is a depression that grows out of a particularly painful situation in life. Many of these experiences involve a sense of loss: the loss of a job, the loss of a child to college, or loss of a friendship.
The third category is depression rooted in some biochemical disorder. It is a physical disease, and must be treated with medication. Visit the library or search the web and learn about depression. It's the first step in helping your spouse.
Finding the Solution
The healthiest road of treatment involves an honest and in-depth evaluation of three elements: physical, psychological, and spiritual. Seriously depressed persons will seldom take initiative to help themselves. As a caring spouse you must insist that they get help. Depression is not an incurable disease. Even those who have been depressed for months or sometimes years can find relief with the proper treatment.
Long term depression can be devastating to a marriage. If your spouse has been depressed for more than a few weeks, I urge you to take action.
GET SOCIAL: Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/5lovelanguages
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
10/29/11
A Love Language Minute: Getting Rid of Bitterness
via email newsletter, by Dr. Gary Chapman
Getting Rid of Bitterness
Have you ever heard the expression don't get angry get even? Well, there may be a better way to deal with that unexpressed anger than vengeance. Let's look at two negative ways and one positive way of responding to anger and bitterness.
First, there is unexpressed anger; holding it inside and letting it smolder. When we do this, the bitterness becomes like a malignant cancer slowly destroying the fiber of life. Then, there is uncontrolled expression of anger. Like an explosion it destroys everything in its range. Such an outburst is like an emotional heart attack and may produce permanent damage.
There is a better way. It begins by saying to yourself, "I'm extremely angry and bitter about what my spouse has done. But I will not allow their wrong to destroy me and I will not attempt to destroy them. I will turn my spouse over to God who is just, and I will release my anger and bitterness to God." The Biblical challenge is "get rid of anger and bitterness," (Col. 3:8).
Confess to God that you have held your anger inside and that you are bitter. Ask His forgiveness for handling your anger in a sinful way. Then confess your bitterness to your spouse and ask forgiveness. Find a counselor or trusted friend who can help you release your spouse and your anger to God, in order to live a constructive life in the future. Let me admit that a one time confession of bitterness may not eliminate all hostile feelings. If the bitterness has been there a long time, the hostile feelings may die slowly.
Paul said, "Never pay back evil for evil... Never take your own revenge, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay,' says the Lord" (Romans 12:17,19).
You may have been greatly wronged by your spouse, but it is not your responsibility to punish them for their sin. They must face God with their sin, and God is a just judge. Verbal retaliation accomplishes no constructive purpose. Seeking the good of your mate, which the Bible calls love, has much potential for good.
GET SOCIAL:
Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/5lovelanguages
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Getting Rid of Bitterness
Have you ever heard the expression don't get angry get even? Well, there may be a better way to deal with that unexpressed anger than vengeance. Let's look at two negative ways and one positive way of responding to anger and bitterness.
First, there is unexpressed anger; holding it inside and letting it smolder. When we do this, the bitterness becomes like a malignant cancer slowly destroying the fiber of life. Then, there is uncontrolled expression of anger. Like an explosion it destroys everything in its range. Such an outburst is like an emotional heart attack and may produce permanent damage.
There is a better way. It begins by saying to yourself, "I'm extremely angry and bitter about what my spouse has done. But I will not allow their wrong to destroy me and I will not attempt to destroy them. I will turn my spouse over to God who is just, and I will release my anger and bitterness to God." The Biblical challenge is "get rid of anger and bitterness," (Col. 3:8).
Confess to God that you have held your anger inside and that you are bitter. Ask His forgiveness for handling your anger in a sinful way. Then confess your bitterness to your spouse and ask forgiveness. Find a counselor or trusted friend who can help you release your spouse and your anger to God, in order to live a constructive life in the future. Let me admit that a one time confession of bitterness may not eliminate all hostile feelings. If the bitterness has been there a long time, the hostile feelings may die slowly.
Paul said, "Never pay back evil for evil... Never take your own revenge, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay,' says the Lord" (Romans 12:17,19).
You may have been greatly wronged by your spouse, but it is not your responsibility to punish them for their sin. They must face God with their sin, and God is a just judge. Verbal retaliation accomplishes no constructive purpose. Seeking the good of your mate, which the Bible calls love, has much potential for good.
GET SOCIAL:
Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/5lovelanguages
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
10/22/11
A Love Language Minute: A Tender Touch
by Dr. Gary Chapman
A Tender Touch
Keeping emotional love alive in a marriage makes life much more enjoyable. How do we keep love alive after the "in-love" emotions have evaporated? I believe it is by learning to speak each other's "love language." This week we will focus on physical touch.
For some husbands, when they hear the words physical touch, they immediately think of sex. But sexual intercourse is only one of the dialects of this love language. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, back rubs, or an arm around the shoulder are all ways of expressing love by physical touch.
Physical touch can make or break a marital relationship. Do you know how to speak this love language? To the spouse whose primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than your tender touches. You may give them words of affirmation or gifts, but nothing communicates love like physical touch.
Touches may be explicit and call for your full attention, such as a back rub or sexual foreplay. They can be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee. Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination. Kiss when you get in the car. It may greatly enhance your travels. Give a hug before you go shopping. You may hear less griping when you return. Remember, you are learning to speak a new language.
When you reach out with tender touch, you create emotional closeness. This is especially true if the primary love language of your spouse is physical touch. You may say, "What if I'm just not a toucher? I didn't grow up in a touchy-feely family." The good news is that you can learn to speak this love language. It can begin with a pat on the back, or putting your hand on their leg as you sit together on the couch.
Almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another. Why? During these times, we need to feel loved more than anything. All marriages will experience crises. Disappointments are a part of life. The most important thing you can do for your wife in a time of crisis is to love her. If her primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries. Your words may mean little, but your physical touch will communicate that you care. In a time of crisis, a hug is worth more than a thousand words. Physical touch is a powerful love language.
GET SOCIAL:
Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at www.facebook.com/5lovelanguages
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
A Tender Touch
Keeping emotional love alive in a marriage makes life much more enjoyable. How do we keep love alive after the "in-love" emotions have evaporated? I believe it is by learning to speak each other's "love language." This week we will focus on physical touch.
For some husbands, when they hear the words physical touch, they immediately think of sex. But sexual intercourse is only one of the dialects of this love language. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, back rubs, or an arm around the shoulder are all ways of expressing love by physical touch.
Physical touch can make or break a marital relationship. Do you know how to speak this love language? To the spouse whose primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than your tender touches. You may give them words of affirmation or gifts, but nothing communicates love like physical touch.
Touches may be explicit and call for your full attention, such as a back rub or sexual foreplay. They can be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee. Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination. Kiss when you get in the car. It may greatly enhance your travels. Give a hug before you go shopping. You may hear less griping when you return. Remember, you are learning to speak a new language.
When you reach out with tender touch, you create emotional closeness. This is especially true if the primary love language of your spouse is physical touch. You may say, "What if I'm just not a toucher? I didn't grow up in a touchy-feely family." The good news is that you can learn to speak this love language. It can begin with a pat on the back, or putting your hand on their leg as you sit together on the couch.
Almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another. Why? During these times, we need to feel loved more than anything. All marriages will experience crises. Disappointments are a part of life. The most important thing you can do for your wife in a time of crisis is to love her. If her primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries. Your words may mean little, but your physical touch will communicate that you care. In a time of crisis, a hug is worth more than a thousand words. Physical touch is a powerful love language.
GET SOCIAL:
Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at www.facebook.com/5lovelanguages
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
A Love Language Minute: An Encouraging Story
by Dr. Gary Chapman
An Encouraging Story
Mark Twain once said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Good for Mark Twain, but I don't know many husbands and wives who can survive on six compliments a year. Solomon, author of the ancient Hebrew wisdom literature, wrote, "The tongue has the power of life and death. "Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. Verbal compliments are powerful communicators of love.
A Kind Tongue
There is a difference between encouraging words and nagging words. Encouraging words always focus on something your spouse wants to do, not something you want them to do. A nag is anything you tell your spouse more than three times. If we are to express love by words of affirmation, those words must be kind words.
Kindness also has to do with the manner in which we speak. Sometimes our words are saying one thing, but our tone of voice is saying another. Our spouse will usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use. The same words expressed with a loud, harsh voice will not be an expression of love, but an expression of condemnation and judgment.
An Encouraging Story
One way to verbally affirm your spouse is to give encouraging words. Allison always wanted to be a writer, but after receiving her first rejection slip from the publisher, she gave up. One evening her husband Keith came into the den and said, "I hate to interrupt your reading, but I have to tell you this. I just finished reading your article. Allison, you are an excellent writer. This stuff ought to be published! Your words paint pictures that I can visualize. You have got to submit this stuff to some magazines."
"Do you really think so?" Allison asked.
"I know so," Keith said. "I'm telling you, this is good."
Ten years later, Allison has had several articles published and has her first book contract. She credits her success to Keith's words of encouragement. Perhaps your spouse has untapped potential in one or more areas of life. That potential may be awaiting your encouraging words.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
An Encouraging Story
Mark Twain once said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Good for Mark Twain, but I don't know many husbands and wives who can survive on six compliments a year. Solomon, author of the ancient Hebrew wisdom literature, wrote, "The tongue has the power of life and death. "Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. Verbal compliments are powerful communicators of love.
A Kind Tongue
There is a difference between encouraging words and nagging words. Encouraging words always focus on something your spouse wants to do, not something you want them to do. A nag is anything you tell your spouse more than three times. If we are to express love by words of affirmation, those words must be kind words.
Kindness also has to do with the manner in which we speak. Sometimes our words are saying one thing, but our tone of voice is saying another. Our spouse will usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use. The same words expressed with a loud, harsh voice will not be an expression of love, but an expression of condemnation and judgment.
An Encouraging Story
One way to verbally affirm your spouse is to give encouraging words. Allison always wanted to be a writer, but after receiving her first rejection slip from the publisher, she gave up. One evening her husband Keith came into the den and said, "I hate to interrupt your reading, but I have to tell you this. I just finished reading your article. Allison, you are an excellent writer. This stuff ought to be published! Your words paint pictures that I can visualize. You have got to submit this stuff to some magazines."
"Do you really think so?" Allison asked.
"I know so," Keith said. "I'm telling you, this is good."
Ten years later, Allison has had several articles published and has her first book contract. She credits her success to Keith's words of encouragement. Perhaps your spouse has untapped potential in one or more areas of life. That potential may be awaiting your encouraging words.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
9/29/11
A Love Language Minute: Revealing Yourself
by Dr. Gary Chapman
Intimacy comes from a Latin word meaning 'inner'. It is two people sharing the 'inner self'. Marriage is meant to be an intimate relationship-one in which a husband and wife reveal themselves to one another. Two of the things we share are 'thoughts' and 'emotions'. Emotions can't be seen, but they can be revealed. When I say to my wife, "I'm feeling disappointed," I have shared an emotion. If I tell her why, then I'm sharing my thoughts.
We make it easier for our spouse to share thoughts and emotions if we don't pounce on them with condemnation. If you say, "Well, that's nothing to be disappointed about. You shouldn't let that bother you," you have become a preacher not a loving spouse. When you say, "I can see how that would be disappointing, tell me more about it." You are encouraging intimacy.
Intimate Desires
We are creatures of desire. That is, we want certain things. Desires are usually expressed in terms of "I want..., I wish...I hope... or I would like... In an intimate marriage couples can share their desires without making demands. If my wife tells me that she would like a new dress for the party, then perhaps I can make it happen.
If she doesn't tell me, I have no way of knowing her desire. I don't mean that any of us can have everything we desire. But if we share, then we can discuss the possibilities - is it realistic or not? If so, then what steps need to be taken? Helping fulfill the desires of your spouse is one way of expressing your love. Love always wants what is best for the spouse.
Getting Intimate
The easiest level of self-revelation is sharing some of the experiences you have throughout the day. Every day we are constantly seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, and smelling our world. We call them the five senses.
Why not begin by sharing one item from each of the categories.
One thing I saw today was...
One thing I heard ...
One thing I touched today was...
One thing I tasted ...
One pleasant smell I had today was...
This is communication 101. Try it, you'll like it. It just might lead you to greater intimacy in your marriage.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Love Language Minute email archives: http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs016/1102482325051/archive/1102606994853.html
Intimacy comes from a Latin word meaning 'inner'. It is two people sharing the 'inner self'. Marriage is meant to be an intimate relationship-one in which a husband and wife reveal themselves to one another. Two of the things we share are 'thoughts' and 'emotions'. Emotions can't be seen, but they can be revealed. When I say to my wife, "I'm feeling disappointed," I have shared an emotion. If I tell her why, then I'm sharing my thoughts.
We make it easier for our spouse to share thoughts and emotions if we don't pounce on them with condemnation. If you say, "Well, that's nothing to be disappointed about. You shouldn't let that bother you," you have become a preacher not a loving spouse. When you say, "I can see how that would be disappointing, tell me more about it." You are encouraging intimacy.
Intimate Desires
We are creatures of desire. That is, we want certain things. Desires are usually expressed in terms of "I want..., I wish...I hope... or I would like... In an intimate marriage couples can share their desires without making demands. If my wife tells me that she would like a new dress for the party, then perhaps I can make it happen.
If she doesn't tell me, I have no way of knowing her desire. I don't mean that any of us can have everything we desire. But if we share, then we can discuss the possibilities - is it realistic or not? If so, then what steps need to be taken? Helping fulfill the desires of your spouse is one way of expressing your love. Love always wants what is best for the spouse.
Getting Intimate
The easiest level of self-revelation is sharing some of the experiences you have throughout the day. Every day we are constantly seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, and smelling our world. We call them the five senses.
Why not begin by sharing one item from each of the categories.
One thing I saw today was...
One thing I heard ...
One thing I touched today was...
One thing I tasted ...
One pleasant smell I had today was...
This is communication 101. Try it, you'll like it. It just might lead you to greater intimacy in your marriage.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Love Language Minute email archives: http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs016/1102482325051/archive/1102606994853.html
8/19/11
Love is Practical
A Love Language Minute: Love is Practical
God's Expectation
"Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it." I, for one, am fully willing to admit that apart from the work of Christ and the ministry of the Holy Spirit in my life I am not likely to be that kind of husband. I am in fact, self-centered and often selfish.
However, there is no question that this is God's expectation of me and all husbands. As Christians we must not accept the cultural norm as our standard. Rather, we must recognize that in Christ we have the ability to transcend the pull of selfishness and truly become lovers. Few wives will run away from a husband who is loving as Christ loved.
Contract, Criticism, and Covenant
Many people view marriage as a contract. "I'll do this if you will do that." With enough criticism your spouse may do what you want, but it will not be an expression of love. True love is a choice and cannot be coerced. Criticism and demands tend to drive wedges. Each of us must decide daily to love or not to love.
If we decide to love, then we need to view marriage differently. The Bible paints for us a better picture of how we are to love and commit ourselves to one another. It views marriage as a covenant, not a contract. Covenants might include such affirmations as:
I will look out for your well-being no matter how you treat me.
I view our marriage as a permanent relationship.
I will not walk out on you.
Because I love you, I will confront you when I see you doing things that I believe are harmful.
I will speak the truth in love.
When you confess wrong doing, I will forgive you and never hold it against you in the future.
I am committed to helping you accomplish God's will for your life.
You can count on my support.
Where does one get the heart and the power to live out such a covenant? I know of only one source - God. He is a covenant keeping God and will help you keep your covenant.
GET SOCIAL:
Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/5lovelanguages
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
God's Expectation
"Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it." I, for one, am fully willing to admit that apart from the work of Christ and the ministry of the Holy Spirit in my life I am not likely to be that kind of husband. I am in fact, self-centered and often selfish.
However, there is no question that this is God's expectation of me and all husbands. As Christians we must not accept the cultural norm as our standard. Rather, we must recognize that in Christ we have the ability to transcend the pull of selfishness and truly become lovers. Few wives will run away from a husband who is loving as Christ loved.
Contract, Criticism, and Covenant
Many people view marriage as a contract. "I'll do this if you will do that." With enough criticism your spouse may do what you want, but it will not be an expression of love. True love is a choice and cannot be coerced. Criticism and demands tend to drive wedges. Each of us must decide daily to love or not to love.
If we decide to love, then we need to view marriage differently. The Bible paints for us a better picture of how we are to love and commit ourselves to one another. It views marriage as a covenant, not a contract. Covenants might include such affirmations as:
I will look out for your well-being no matter how you treat me.
I view our marriage as a permanent relationship.
I will not walk out on you.
Because I love you, I will confront you when I see you doing things that I believe are harmful.
I will speak the truth in love.
When you confess wrong doing, I will forgive you and never hold it against you in the future.
I am committed to helping you accomplish God's will for your life.
You can count on my support.
Where does one get the heart and the power to live out such a covenant? I know of only one source - God. He is a covenant keeping God and will help you keep your covenant.
GET SOCIAL:
Share your questions, thoughts insights, or comments by joining the conversation on Facebook at facebook.com/5lovelanguages
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
8/11/11
How can married Christians avoid emotional affairs?
Question: "How can married Christians avoid emotional affairs?"
Answer: An emotional affair occurs when a married person shares emotional intimacy and support with an individual other than his/her spouse. Marital partners should share problems, feelings, and needs with one another and determine the boundaries of what can be shared and to whom. Depending on others to meet our emotional needs can become a temptation, especially when spouses spend much time apart while spending large blocks of time with others. Co-workers and those in close proximity on a daily basis can become a substitute for emotional support. Work relations and friendships need to have proper boundaries to ensure they do not become inappropriate.
There are warning signs that a platonic friendship could be leading to an emotional affair. When we start to feel a need to hide aspects of a relationship, we are crossing a line into inappropriate territory. Emotional distance between spouses or an increase in arguments may indicate one spouse is turning to another person for closeness. Intimacy requires closeness, and that cannot happen if a spouse gives his/her closeness to someone outside the marriage. Thus, emotional affairs often lead to sexual affairs as the intimate emotional closeness shifts to physical closeness. Many people deny the seriousness of an emotional affair, but such affairs are not harmless and can destroy marriages and families.
Christians should make choices that guard against the temptation to lean on someone other than the spouse God has given to them. Some are:
1. Do not spend time alone with anyone of the opposite gender, especially one you are attracted to.
2. Do not spend more time with another person than your spouse.
3. Do not share intimate details of life with anyone before sharing it with your spouse.
4. Live transparently. Do everything as if your spouse is present.
5. Devote personal time to prayer and Bible study. Ask God to put a hedge around your marriage.
6. Maintain a pure thought life. Do not entertain fantasies about other people.
7. Plan time with your spouse on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis and use those times to build emotional closeness between you.
All of these choices will help Christians to identify weak areas and avoid the temptation of an emotional affair.
Christian priorities must put marriage and family second only to the Lord. The Lord designed marriage to make two people into one person (Genesis 2:24). He wants them to grow together and let nothing separate them (Matthew 19:6). Married partners must value their relationship in the way the Lord values marriage and work on ways to build closeness in order to strengthen it. The Lord also forbids adultery or lusting for a person outside of marriage (Proverbs 6:25; Exodus 20:14; Matthew 5:28). People who go outside the Lord’s design to meet their needs will ultimately sin against God and potentially ruin their relationships with Him and with one another (Proverbs 6:32; 1 Corinthians 6:9-20).
The world believes that married partners need to have separate lives to be healthy. That is simply not God’s plan in creating men and women or marriage. He intended for married people to share a life together and create a family. Intimacy is formed when people are planning their lives together rather than living two separate lives in the same household. Those who do not understand God’s plan for married people can be misled into thinking it is unhealthy to share everything with one person, but that is what makes marriage different than any other relationship. It is a blessed union between two people and mirrors that of Christ and His church. Sharing intimacy with someone other than a spouse, whether physical or emotional, is sin and a violation of trust.
Recommended Resource: Intimate Allies by Dan B. Allender.
© Copyright 2002-2011 Got Questions Ministries - All Rights Reserved.
www.gotquestions.org - Bible Questions Answered
Answer: An emotional affair occurs when a married person shares emotional intimacy and support with an individual other than his/her spouse. Marital partners should share problems, feelings, and needs with one another and determine the boundaries of what can be shared and to whom. Depending on others to meet our emotional needs can become a temptation, especially when spouses spend much time apart while spending large blocks of time with others. Co-workers and those in close proximity on a daily basis can become a substitute for emotional support. Work relations and friendships need to have proper boundaries to ensure they do not become inappropriate.
There are warning signs that a platonic friendship could be leading to an emotional affair. When we start to feel a need to hide aspects of a relationship, we are crossing a line into inappropriate territory. Emotional distance between spouses or an increase in arguments may indicate one spouse is turning to another person for closeness. Intimacy requires closeness, and that cannot happen if a spouse gives his/her closeness to someone outside the marriage. Thus, emotional affairs often lead to sexual affairs as the intimate emotional closeness shifts to physical closeness. Many people deny the seriousness of an emotional affair, but such affairs are not harmless and can destroy marriages and families.
Christians should make choices that guard against the temptation to lean on someone other than the spouse God has given to them. Some are:
1. Do not spend time alone with anyone of the opposite gender, especially one you are attracted to.
2. Do not spend more time with another person than your spouse.
3. Do not share intimate details of life with anyone before sharing it with your spouse.
4. Live transparently. Do everything as if your spouse is present.
5. Devote personal time to prayer and Bible study. Ask God to put a hedge around your marriage.
6. Maintain a pure thought life. Do not entertain fantasies about other people.
7. Plan time with your spouse on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis and use those times to build emotional closeness between you.
All of these choices will help Christians to identify weak areas and avoid the temptation of an emotional affair.
Christian priorities must put marriage and family second only to the Lord. The Lord designed marriage to make two people into one person (Genesis 2:24). He wants them to grow together and let nothing separate them (Matthew 19:6). Married partners must value their relationship in the way the Lord values marriage and work on ways to build closeness in order to strengthen it. The Lord also forbids adultery or lusting for a person outside of marriage (Proverbs 6:25; Exodus 20:14; Matthew 5:28). People who go outside the Lord’s design to meet their needs will ultimately sin against God and potentially ruin their relationships with Him and with one another (Proverbs 6:32; 1 Corinthians 6:9-20).
The world believes that married partners need to have separate lives to be healthy. That is simply not God’s plan in creating men and women or marriage. He intended for married people to share a life together and create a family. Intimacy is formed when people are planning their lives together rather than living two separate lives in the same household. Those who do not understand God’s plan for married people can be misled into thinking it is unhealthy to share everything with one person, but that is what makes marriage different than any other relationship. It is a blessed union between two people and mirrors that of Christ and His church. Sharing intimacy with someone other than a spouse, whether physical or emotional, is sin and a violation of trust.
Recommended Resource: Intimate Allies by Dan B. Allender.
© Copyright 2002-2011 Got Questions Ministries - All Rights Reserved.
www.gotquestions.org - Bible Questions Answered
What does the Bible say about an unhappy marriage?
Question: "What does the Bible say about an unhappy marriage?"
Answer: One thing we know for sure: not being “happy” in marriage is not biblical grounds for divorce. In Mark 10:11-12 Jesus said, "A man who divorces his wife so he can marry someone else commits adultery against her. And a woman who divorces her husband so she can marry someone else commits adultery." Based on the Bible, we see that people don't have the right to dissolve an unhappy marriage. God intended that marriage be for a lifetime.
Ephesians 5 presents marriage as a picture of the relationship God has with us. This is one reason why God has such an interest in keeping marriages intact. He is the One that established the concept of "until death do us part." He established this for our own good. Failed marriages and broken homes are devastating to the husband and wife, not to mention the children involved. Financial ruin is only one of the unhappy results of divorce. The family unit is the basic building block of any society, and rampant divorce has a tragic impact on all of the culture.
This is not to say that God wants to force us to remain forever in an unhappy state. He doesn’t ask us to just grit our teeth and suffer through it. When God approaches marital problems, He does so from the perspective of how to fix them, not on how to dissolve the marriage. For example, He does talk about demonic impact in marriages (1 Corinthians 7:5). He states that the couple should be active in the sexual relationship so that Satan cannot tempt them. He encourages husbands to treat their wives with understanding so that their prayers will not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7). From these accounts we can see that marriage is a spiritual battlefield. This means that it will take work to fight for the relationship, not to fight in the relationship.
God encourages us toward reconciliation. Matthew 18:15-16 encourages open, honest communication that deals with hurts and frustrations caused by sin. It even encourages us to get help to resolve such things. God also encourages us to have our joy in Him (Philippians 4). Joy is a superior experience to happiness. Happiness is temporal and temporary, but joy rises above all circumstances and lasts for eternity. Joy is something you can have regardless of conditions. God gives some very good guidelines for joy, and none of them require a spouse to cooperate. A spouse does not control our capacity to have joy or peace. James 1:3-4 tells us that deep, abiding joy comes as we persevere through trials, with God’s help, and our faith matures and is strengthened. Mere happiness tends to be fleeting and depends upon temporal factors like circumstances or other people. Joy, on the other hand, is true contentment that comes from internal factors like our faith in the Lord. True joy is everlasting and not dependent upon circumstances. The book of Philippians is a great study in the difference between joy and happiness. Written by the Apostle Paul while imprisoned in Rome, this book uses the words “joy,” “rejoice,” and “joyful” 16 times and teaches us how to have true contentment in Jesus Christ, despite our circumstances. In chains and aware that his life was coming to an end, Paul talks about his faith and trust in Christ and how it had changed his whole perspective on suffering.
God has given husbands clear-cut instructions in Ephesians 5:25-28: "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.... So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself." To wives, His instruction is to respect their husbands (v. 33) and both are to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21). If both are living up to their biblical responsibilities, there will be joy and happiness in the marriage. What woman wouldn’t respect and submit to a man who loves her the way Christ loves His church? And what man wouldn’t love a woman who respects and submits to him? The unhappiness that is present in too many marriages is a result of one or both parties refusing to submit to God and obey His revealed will for marriage.
Even if the unhappiness results from a believer being married to an unbeliever, there is always the possibility the believing wife can lead her unbelieving husband to the Lord by her chaste conduct and kind demeanor. “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives” (1 Peter 3:1). The Bible specifically addresses those who are married to unbelievers in 1 Corinthians 7:12-14: “…If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband…”
In the end, we must remember that "the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayers; but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil" (1 Peter 3:12). God knows the pain of an unhappy marriage, and He understands fleshly desires, but He has given His Word to us on this matter and He does ask for obedience. Obedience to God always brings joy (Romans 16:19).
Recommended Resource: Fit to Be Tied: Making Marriage Last a Lifetime by Bill Hybels.
© Copyright 2002-2011 Got Questions Ministries - All Rights Reserved.
www.gotquestions.org - Bible Questions Answered
Answer: One thing we know for sure: not being “happy” in marriage is not biblical grounds for divorce. In Mark 10:11-12 Jesus said, "A man who divorces his wife so he can marry someone else commits adultery against her. And a woman who divorces her husband so she can marry someone else commits adultery." Based on the Bible, we see that people don't have the right to dissolve an unhappy marriage. God intended that marriage be for a lifetime.
Ephesians 5 presents marriage as a picture of the relationship God has with us. This is one reason why God has such an interest in keeping marriages intact. He is the One that established the concept of "until death do us part." He established this for our own good. Failed marriages and broken homes are devastating to the husband and wife, not to mention the children involved. Financial ruin is only one of the unhappy results of divorce. The family unit is the basic building block of any society, and rampant divorce has a tragic impact on all of the culture.
This is not to say that God wants to force us to remain forever in an unhappy state. He doesn’t ask us to just grit our teeth and suffer through it. When God approaches marital problems, He does so from the perspective of how to fix them, not on how to dissolve the marriage. For example, He does talk about demonic impact in marriages (1 Corinthians 7:5). He states that the couple should be active in the sexual relationship so that Satan cannot tempt them. He encourages husbands to treat their wives with understanding so that their prayers will not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7). From these accounts we can see that marriage is a spiritual battlefield. This means that it will take work to fight for the relationship, not to fight in the relationship.
God encourages us toward reconciliation. Matthew 18:15-16 encourages open, honest communication that deals with hurts and frustrations caused by sin. It even encourages us to get help to resolve such things. God also encourages us to have our joy in Him (Philippians 4). Joy is a superior experience to happiness. Happiness is temporal and temporary, but joy rises above all circumstances and lasts for eternity. Joy is something you can have regardless of conditions. God gives some very good guidelines for joy, and none of them require a spouse to cooperate. A spouse does not control our capacity to have joy or peace. James 1:3-4 tells us that deep, abiding joy comes as we persevere through trials, with God’s help, and our faith matures and is strengthened. Mere happiness tends to be fleeting and depends upon temporal factors like circumstances or other people. Joy, on the other hand, is true contentment that comes from internal factors like our faith in the Lord. True joy is everlasting and not dependent upon circumstances. The book of Philippians is a great study in the difference between joy and happiness. Written by the Apostle Paul while imprisoned in Rome, this book uses the words “joy,” “rejoice,” and “joyful” 16 times and teaches us how to have true contentment in Jesus Christ, despite our circumstances. In chains and aware that his life was coming to an end, Paul talks about his faith and trust in Christ and how it had changed his whole perspective on suffering.
God has given husbands clear-cut instructions in Ephesians 5:25-28: "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.... So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself." To wives, His instruction is to respect their husbands (v. 33) and both are to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21). If both are living up to their biblical responsibilities, there will be joy and happiness in the marriage. What woman wouldn’t respect and submit to a man who loves her the way Christ loves His church? And what man wouldn’t love a woman who respects and submits to him? The unhappiness that is present in too many marriages is a result of one or both parties refusing to submit to God and obey His revealed will for marriage.
Even if the unhappiness results from a believer being married to an unbeliever, there is always the possibility the believing wife can lead her unbelieving husband to the Lord by her chaste conduct and kind demeanor. “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives” (1 Peter 3:1). The Bible specifically addresses those who are married to unbelievers in 1 Corinthians 7:12-14: “…If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband…”
In the end, we must remember that "the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayers; but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil" (1 Peter 3:12). God knows the pain of an unhappy marriage, and He understands fleshly desires, but He has given His Word to us on this matter and He does ask for obedience. Obedience to God always brings joy (Romans 16:19).
Recommended Resource: Fit to Be Tied: Making Marriage Last a Lifetime by Bill Hybels.
© Copyright 2002-2011 Got Questions Ministries - All Rights Reserved.
www.gotquestions.org - Bible Questions Answered
7/14/11
Jack Van Impe Presents (07-15-2011): In God-fearing USA where is the decency?, What is apostasy?, Sins explosion globally, Investigation of child p#rn site hits 77 nations & Marriage: Is it really necessary in a love relationship? = Yes
Jack Van Impe Ministries:http://www.jvim.com/
Thanks to CallOutToJesus on YouTube for uploading the video.
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