All The Troubles I've Seen

I'm so messed up because I've had to go through a mess my whole life. I can't even explain everything that has happened to me in my life or I could write you a book. But, I am so sick and tired of having to deal with everyone. I always have to be an adult from the time I was very young. A person can only take so much, especially a child. When I was 16 it finally became all too much and I completely broke down. I wanted to just die, but I couldn't. I developed bipolar disorder, panic/anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. It made me breakdown and revert to feeling emotionally like a little child. I needed protection, comfort, guidance. I couldn't handle life. I couldn't live in society. I was all alone, trapped in my house for 5 years. I had lost faith in God. Eventually I turned back to Him and I was given faith to believe and to overcome a lot of my struggles. I began to get stronger. I overcame depression and anxiety pretty much. I was a very different person in terms of that. Then a few years went by, but I'm still stuck in this doldrum life where I feel like I still wasn't ready to break away in my own life apart from my family. I felt like why should I have to, doesn't matter. Well, it doesn't matter that much. And I can live independently from them, I just didn't see any point because I liked it and it saved money. I didn't have much in the way of a job, couldn't hardly make money, so that is just how it was. I figured I would go back to school. I had gotten my GED already, had job experience eventually. I wanted to go to college like I had planned several years before as a teenager. At this point I'm in my early 20's. I decided to go back to school. I was going to maybe move to Japan with my brother. We would start a life there. I don't know everything, but we had some plans. But, then I met this guy on the Internet/Facebook. My life changed a lot after that. The main problem is that he was from a different country, lived in a different country thousands of miles away. So, already there was that difficulty. But, we found that we really got on with each other and it very quickly turned into love. We are both young. At first everything seemed great, then I started to see a side to him coming out, a very bad side. It was fear and anger. I started to realize that he had a lot of baggage from the past as well, but he obviously had a lot of struggles psychologically as well. It became very hard after that. Sometimes he was nice, other times he was angry, frustrated. He often took it out on me, but breaking up with me or arguing with me, calling me bad names. It really started to mess with me. I would always forgive him and because I loved him and believed he loved me, and because I believed in being loyal, I always stayed with him. I thought, maybe he's just scared of commitment. Maybe he's just in a way testing me, see if I will stand by him. Etc. Etc. All these different things I started to think. As time went on, in a way he seemed like he was getting a bit better over time, but he never really changed. He broke up with me a million times and always had the same issues. I did things for him that I never thought I would do. I started to change. I became much more emotional, upset, stressed a lot of the time. The way he was with me really really messed with me. I started to think that I was relapsing into being bipolar again or the anxiety attacks. Not sure the difference really. But, I was getting so hurt and betrayed so often that I just couldn't bare it. I would find myself wondering, why am I with this guy. Why do I let myself keep going through this abuse, this insanity? It was because I truly loved him and because I believed that he truly loved me, and just needed help and support. And because the thought of losing him seemed to hurt me more than being with him. So, I always stayed with him. I would always talk to him, tell him how wrong he was, that he needed to change, that I can't take this, I can't keep going through this. He would apologize, he would talk like he's willing to change. He would maybe get better for a little while, but he would always end up going back to the same old thing, "same old same old." One of the crazy things about it is that he would always somehow make himself out to be the victim of it all. He would always somehow find a way to blame me. He would always just see my reaction to his misbehavior. He never got it that the reason why I was so upset isn't because I'm just like it, but because of how he treated me. It's like he didn't want to come to terms with that. He just always wanted to blame me instead of changing his bad ways. He always wanted me to accept his misbehavior and "be understanding, supportive" of him. Like, as if I never was. He always found a way to insult me. Nothing I did was ever good enough, loving enough, strong enough, smart enough. I was always a failure in his eyes. But, I knew that it wasn't really me that had the problems. Yes, I could have handled some things better, yes I could have reacted differently at times. But, the main problem was him, not me. But, nothing ever changed with him. Always always the same thing over and over again. Whatever disorder, things he's been through in his life doesn't give him the right to mistreat me. It makes it more understandable because of those things, but never in the right. I just couldn't take it anymore. I always loved him, always stood by him through thick and thin. But, he wouldn't stop hurting me. I couldn't live in that anymore. It broke my heart too many times I cannot count anymore. It makes me sad and so disappointed that it would come to that. Things could have been great, could have been happy. But, he had too many issues and he kept pushing me away. But, I know that no matter what I've been through in my life, God has always been there for me. I don't know why or understand everything that's happened to me in my life. When did God make things happen, when was is that something happened because of my actions? I don't know everything. But, I have learnt already enough in my life that no matter what happens I am blessed. I have learnt that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and wiser, as long as you get through it and overcome. And that no matter what happens, God is always there, even when it doesn't seem like it. And He he listens and cares about you, even when it doesn't seem like it. It is also my belief that those who are hit the hardest in life that maybe it's because the devil knows that there is something great in them, they have a lot of potential for good in this life, and the devil wants to stop it. I don't know if that's true in every case. I know some people of God, strong believers and followers that seem to have fairly easy-going lives which I don't understand. But, there are others strong in the Lord as well that can have very difficult lives, but somehow manage to get through it and it makes them stronger and wiser because of it. I don't understand these two different kind of lives with people that all are strong believers and followers of God, but that's what it seems like to me. I don't understand everything, but I keep trusting in God and keep believing that everything I've gone through and will go through has a very special purpose. I feel as though I'm destined for great and special things. Maybe I won't even see it in this lifetime, maybe I won't truly see the results of it until I die and go to Heaven. I don't really know. But, that is my belief and my hope.