Devotional: Communication and Conflict
We are called to be attentive to one another in marriage, to stop and listen and to learn about each other.
from Mary Pierce
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19
As men and women our differences go beyond the obvious physical ones. We think differently, we respond differently, different things catch our hearts. However, we are too-often inclined to ignore that fact and plow through life with our own perceptions of how others should live and respond. The harvest of that kind of mentality can be misunderstanding, resentment, and alienation.
We are called to be attentive to one another in marriage, to stop and listen and to learn about each other. We must be willing to ask; we must be willing to reveal. Much can be learned about one another by how we live, but there are also things that words can give life and understanding to.
Conflict is inevitable, and often it is through conflict that we come in touch with the deep places and real meanings of our feelings. It is often only through times of discord that we can identify and offer the deepest content of our hearts. What we must remember in these moments is that our spouse is not the enemy. It sounds odd perhaps, but couples often come at each other from that very stance. In that place where little listening occurs, painful and damaging words are spoken, and anger isolates.
Consider James’ words, what a compelling picture of relationship. When we look at one another in marriage, when we realize that this is just the person we need to help us become who God has made us to be, then our hearts are more likely to respond in attentive tenderness.
Father, you communicated your love to us by sending Jesus to live and die for us. You bring us together in marriage, we who are so very different, and you call us to communicate with one another the very love we receive from you. Teach us, Father, how to do that in a way that honors each other and glorifies You.
Copyright © 2008, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Devotional: External Relationships
When we choose to live our married life according to the design God has for us, it can be amazing.
from Mary Pierce
‘Haven’t you read,’ he replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.’ Matthew 19:4-6
These words show us that marriage is the act of bringing two individuals together, uniting them, and making them one flesh. It is totally a “Godthing,” nothing we could ever do on our own.
When we choose to live our married life according to the design God has for us, it can be amazing. However, when we choose to try to remain separate and insist on being connected with others in the same way we were before marriage, it’s a lot like running a three-legged race connected to two different people; it’s not going to be pretty!
The image of being joined brings with it a sense of husband and wife bonded primary to one another. It’s not necessarily a call to preclude relationships with friends or family, though it may be. Above all it is the call for us to consider life and choices with the one to whom God has joined us.
From being made one in Christ and seeking his design for our life, we can discern prayerfully which relationships bring life to our marriage and which ones seek to separate us from one another, or from God. Furthermore, it is not discernment reserved exclusively for the beginning of marriage. A relationship that was life-giving early in our marriage may change and need to be relinquished, or a relationship we pulled away from in order to establish who we were as a couple may become a place to which we can return.
Father, this union is of your making and reflects your heart. Give us wisdom and delight as we let your love join us together. Let us not consider what we are leaving but rather what we are stepping into with one another and with you.
Copyright © 2008, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Devotional: Facing Adversity
The reality of the presence of adversity in life is a given.
from Mary Pierce
But now, this is what the Lord says–He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk though the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:1-2
The reality of the presence of adversity in life is a given. Some Christian teaching mistakenly proclaims that this life of faith somehow entitles us to a smooth and painless ride through life, and that if we’re not traveling first class it’s only because we don’t have enough faith.
Consider Isaiah’s words: When you pass through the waters . . . when you pass through the rivers . . . when you walk through the fire. In addition remember what is written in Psalm 23: Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. None of that sounds like adversity has been avoided. However, in each of these places we are promised by the Lord, I will be with you.
The question that begs to be asked at this point is: Which is a greater reality, the intensity of a trial or the presence of the Lord with us in that trial? This question sometimes cannot be answered until we have stood in the midst of the rising waters and experienced Him with us. It is then that the knowing moves from head to heart and the impact of the adversity lessens in the magnitude of God’s presence.
Father please help us to craft our marriage in the reality of your words in Ecclesiastes 4:‘Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.’ Let us let You be our third strand, Lord; weave us in your strength that we might be held in your hope, no matter the storm.
Copyright © 2008, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Devotional: Love and Respect
To assume that our ability to love another person has its source in our own hearts carries with it the potential to be embarrassing, painful, or dangerous.
from Mary Pierce
We love because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19
To misjudge the source of something can be embarrassing-- as in incorrectly guessing the sender of an anonymous love letter. It can also be painful–as in having the wrong tooth filled. Finally, it can even be dangerous–as in repairing a gas leak by soldering the pipe just shy of where the actual crack is.
To assume that our ability to love another person has its source in our own hearts carries with it the potential to be embarrassing, painful, or dangerous. We love because He first loved us. While early in marriage the depth of our love may seem to thrive in the abundant delight and overflow of our own hearts, a day may come when finding a drop of love or respect in our heart for our spouse will feel impossible. Where does that leave us?
It leaves us with the call to look at Jesus –God made flesh and came among us. He is the One from whom love begins; He is the One from whom we are given both access to love and patterns with which to offer love.
Consider Jesus washing his disciples’ feet; consider Him willingly and sinlessly going to the cross for our sins. This is what draws us out of ourselves and into the heart of Love, this place where his mercy meets our unworthiness and still, He loves us.
Standing in that place of watching Jesus, the call becomes both clear and accessible. It is then that we are to be willing to lay down our own rights and pour out that same love to the one with whom God has joined us together in covenant.
Father you love us abundantly and you love us well. Draw us into a posture of attentiveness, that we might see You loving us and learn to, long to, love and respect one another with that same purity, passion, and delight. Lord that we not seek to draw love from our limited wells but rather from the unlimited depths of You.
Copyright © 2008, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Devotional: Marriage in Crisis
It is rare that a marriage hits a crisis point as the result of one move of one person.
from Mary Pierce
‘Even now,’ declares the Lord, ‘return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning. ’Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Joel 2:12-13
Whether the elements that batter your heart come from someone else suddenly ripping apart your roof of protection, or from your own tearing off of those tiles, there is a helplessness that comes from exposure. That same helplessness often renders us unable to see how to even navigate the storm, let alone cause it to subside.
It is rare that a marriage hits a crisis point as the result of one move of one person. The dance of a marriage is not a dance of one. Intentional or unintentional, malicious or thoughtless, planned or impulsive, both partners are continually making moves and taking steps that either add to the beauty of the dance or choreograph chaos.
When we are at the point of crisis-- analysis of moves, assigning blame, or demanding change are generally without effect. When the roof has been removed, there is one place to go for covering, to the Lord.
While returning to the Lord rather than facing into the circumstances may feel counterintuitive, it is the covering of His grace, compassion, patience, and love that steadies us and gives us wisdom and hope.
In Joel we see the call to come to Him with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning. If the storm within us, the brokenness and repentance, is not commensurate to the storm without, we are unlikely to know or to seek the shelter we need.
Father, sometimes I want to fight, sometimes I want to fix everything, sometimes I just want to run away. Give me the wisdom and the strength to run to You, You who stand in the midst of the storm with me. Give me a heart that is willing to repent and be instructed, and give me the grace to trust your heart.
Copyright © 2008, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Devotional: Military Marriages
We so long to find or to create certainty in our lives. There is but one certainty in life, and that is the presence of our loving God.
from Mary Pierce
This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly. Matthew 1:18-19
Mary and Joseph most likely began their engagement with normal dreams and expectations for their life together. All of us in our time of engagement spend time dreaming of our future; there is no reason to believe that Mary and Joseph were any different.
Two angel visits later, the future of this young couple became anything but the life they could have imagined. How many of us have been awakened out of our dreams only to find that what we thought was certain was nowhere to be found?
We so long to find or to create certainty in our lives. There is but one certainty in life, and that is the presence of our loving God, sealed with his words in Joshua 1:5: I will never leave you nor forsake you.
When we feel as though we’re drowning in the turmoil and upheaval of our lives, God encourages us and puts us with others who know the journey. Consider what he did for Mary and Joseph to help them to navigate the journey. He put them in a community of men and women with hearts for God. He gathered Mary in the midst of others who loved Jesus and were drawn to Him and the Father through Him. On the cross Jesus gave John and Mary to one another as mother and son and Mary lived in John’s house.
No matter the size or duration of the challenges before us, God is faithful to his promise, and He simply never leaves us.
Such a promise, loving Father, a promise that we need in the uncertainty of our lives. Help us to yield our hearts to your hope, and find our courage lodged in your love.
Copyright © 2008, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Devotional: Sex and Intimacy
To yield to one another sexually in marriage is to step into God-created intimacy.
from Mary Pierce
My lover is mine and I am his. Song of Songs 2:16
These are words of belonging, words that for an engaged couple can generate tender imagining and anticipation of what life together will be. Lived out by a married couple, these words can hold together in intimacy what much of the world seems to determined to break apart. Intimacy in marriage, sexual and otherwise, was created by God and is to be fought for, delighted in, and fiercely guarded.
To yield to one another sexually in marriage is to step into God-created intimacy that takes us out of ourselves and into places where the walls can crumble and we can be tenderly vulnerable and real. There is peace and expansiveness of heart that come with this intimacy; one that offers such glorious contrast to the confusion and momentum of the world.
We must be willing to fight for intimacy in our marriages and to fiercely guard it. We fight for it by being attentive to each other’s hearts; by yielding to God in a way that allows us to more easily yield to one another. We guard it by be intentional, considering what pulls us from intimacy and stepping away from those places, considering what brings us life and stepping deliberately into those places.
My lover is mine and I am his; we long to belong. Marriage, as a coming together before God, offers a sense of belonging that mirrors our belonging to the Father. While the vulnerability that intimacy brings is sometimes hard or scary to step into, it is such a wonderfully holy place that God gives us, a place of delighting in one another that echoes of the Father’s delight in us.
Father, forgive me the places where, although I long to belong, I rebel under your covering. Forgive me the places where I choose not to yield. Let me delight so much in You that I can delight in the one you have given me in marriage, that together we might be Yours.
Copyright © 2008, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Devotional: Spiritual Foundations
Spiritual intimacy between a husband and wife provides a safe covering.
from Mary Pierce
The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever. My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest. Isaiah 32:17-18
Intimacy in a marriage is birthed in more ways and to greater depth than we often imagine. Spiritual intimacy between a husband and wife provides a safe covering, but also more than a covering. Coming together as a couple before God brings us to a place of access to the power and passion we need to live in this world–not just survive, but thrive.
Consider Isaiah’s words as he describes how the righteous will live: in peace, quietness, confidence, security, undisturbed places of rest. What a counter cultural image! Each of these is a heart posture before it becomes a reality. And when as husband and wife we stand together in that heart posture, God crafts this reality in our lives. It doesn’t mean there aren’t storms or struggles, but this is how we’re able to live well and carry hope in the midst of whatever life holds.
As might be expected, because of the power it can hold, spiritual intimacy is fiercely opposed. Many couples get lost in feeling uncomfortable praying aloud together, or they slip into comparing, she’s more spiritual than I am; I can’t pray as well as he can, often giving up and yielding to what feels comfortable, but results in spiritual impotence.
Corporate prayer, engaging with scripture together, worshiping together, all are primary resources for building spiritual foundations as a couple. It’s not about finding a formula, but being willing to answer the call to enter in and remain intentional in the building of our spiritual life together.
Father, Jesus tells us in John 10:10 that the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, but that You have come that we may have life and have it to the full. Please don’t let our pride or insecurities stop us from coming together before you with worshipful and attentive hearts. We want your life, in fullness not in fractions.
Copyright © 2008, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Devotional: Starting Out
When couples mistakenly look to each other as the sole source of encouragement, comfort, fellowship, tenderness and compassion, life becomes complicated.
from Mary Pierce
If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Philippians 2:1-2
We are given a truly beautiful picture of marriage in this scripture: being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. It’s a glorious tapestry to imagine, especially as a couple begins their life together, but it’s also an imagining that can be wrought with questions like how to even begin to weave such glory.
What we need to know is that we are not called to do the weaving; we are called to yield to the Father so that we can be woven together by Him.
Look at the first part of this scripture and consider what each person has the potential to bring into a marriage out of the overflow of their relationship with Jesus: encouragement, comfort, fellowship, tenderness and compassion. What an amazing description of what we long for in marriage. It is from that springboard in which a couple is able to discover the rhythm of their life and love together.
When couples mistakenly look to each other as the sole source of encouragement, comfort, fellowship, tenderness and compassion, life becomes complicated. We are called to offer these things to each other, but if our source is not Jesus, we will be quickly depleted of these gifts and will harbor resentment and feelings of inadequacy in our relationship.
Let us first encourage one another in our personal relationship with Jesus, and then let Him craft our corporate relationship with Him, and we will watch with humility and awe as He begins to weave us together in Him.
Lord God, the colors of your heart are stunning. Take those colors and weave us into a tapestry of your design. As a couple, let us yield to You and trust that You will cover us in your love. That in our lives and love You are glorified.
Copyright © 2008, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Devotional: Time and Money
As with everything in our lives, our ability to live in the fullness that God has for us has all to do with our focus.
from Mary Pierce
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13
As with everything in our lives, our ability to live in the fullness that God has for us has all to do with our focus. The world tells us that we must concentrate on things, money, success, and on protecting all that we are able to attain–no matter the cost. The world tells us the insidious lie that who we are and what we have is never enough.
In Deuteronomy 6:5 we discover where God tells us to put our focus: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. In its counter-cultural way, this command seems to totally ignore our earthly needs. The tug to manage our lives, our time and our money is strong; after all, if we don’t, who will?!
We are called to be good stewards of all that we are given. That stewardship is lived out in recognizing God as the source of all good gifts, taking those gifts–whether meager or much– giving thanks, and then offering those gifts in response to his prompting in our hearts.
When a couple can come to a place of letting the Lord manage their lives rather than letting their lives manage them, there comes a deep and accurate sense of having enough. In need or in plenty, rushed or relaxed, hungry or well fed, through Him and in Him we find that Godliness with contentment is great gain. 1Timothy 6:6
Father, the world is so loud as it clamors for our hearts. It is the noise of confusion that lures us out of living in You as we frantically attempt to manage each moment. Give us the grace to focus on your Glory and to know how to be content, no matter what.
Copyright © 2008, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Help Your Marriage Thrive
Marriage was created by God to be a reflection of the goodness, mercy and unity of the Godhead. Marriage done right gives the world a glimpse of what our Creator looks and acts like.
by Mary Pierce
Jean and I were married August 24, 1986. We started with a bang – with lots of travel, the thrill of being newlyweds, and the dreams of spending a lifetime together. While I cannot pinpoint with any accuracy the date when we reached rock bottom, the dark clouds moved in sometime during our second year of marriage. I remember that night all too well. I had stepped into the bathroom to brush my teeth as we readied ourselves for bed. When I jumped into bed, Jean was sobbing. Unsure what had provoked such deep, heart-felt tears, I asked, "What's wrong?"
Brushing away the tears, she said, "I just don't think you should stay married to me." While we got off to a wonderful start, all was not rosy. I'll be the first to say that married life is hard work. Both of us had things in our past that threatened to derail us from staying together. As she spoke, it was clear Jean was wrestling with depression, as well as a lack of self-confidence that she'd be a good mother once we started having children.
Of course, I had some of the same questions of my own, you know, whether or not I'd be a good dad especially since I didn't have a solid example to follow. Although I loved my father, he was unreliable. He was a chronic gambler, an alcoholic who threatened to harm my mom with a hammer, and he was suicidal at one point in his life. He divorced my mother when I was just a child. Like I said, I didn't learn the first thing about how to love, cherish, or provide for a spouse from him.
Lying next to my wife that night in bed, I said, "Jean, it seems to me that there are only two options for us, because divorce is not an option. We can do marriage one of two ways: happily or unhappily." I added, "With all of the stuff that's gone on in my life, I'd much rather do this happily." That bedrock of commitment sparked a desire in us to get Christian counseling.
With help, we were ultimately able to untangle the difficulties in our background that kept us from winning at our marriage. As a result of seeking a marriage counselor back then, our relationship today is stronger than ever. We've been married twenty-two years and I can say with certainty that God has blessed us in ways we never dreamed. I'll also be the first to admit we've still got our work cut out for us.
What couple doesn't?
I'm not surprised that, among the score of reasons people contact Focus on the Family, marriage-related issues are consistently in the Top Ten. Thousands call or write seeking a lifeline for their marriage. With the spark of romance long gone, feeling isolated and perhaps betrayed, they're desperate and ready to call it quits.
Others wonder whether there's more to marriage than the day-to-day business of parenting and raising kids. They desire insight on how to nurture the physical and emotional side of their friendship with their mate. Having a peaceful, satisfying marriage is important. Who doesn't need to be wanted, accepted, and cherished? These longings are both normal and admirable. Indeed, learning how to communicate more successfully with your spouse and discovering how to respect and romance your mate are important components of a great marriage.
At the same time, we at Focus on the Family believe there's another, often overlooked, foundational dimension. I'm talking about God's viewpoint. After all, marriage was created by God to be a reflection of the goodness, mercy, and unity of the Godhead. Marriage done right gives the world a glimpse of what our Creator looks and acts like.
Which is why I'm thrilled to tell you about the Focus on Marriage™ Simulcast Conference, February 28, 2009. Throughout the U.S. and Canada, five hundred churches will host this live, day-long event. Featuring biblical insight into marriage from Beth Moore, Gary Smalley, John Trent, Gary Thomas, and our very own Del Tackett, it's one marriage seminar you won't want to miss. Why?
We believe that when you learn to see your marriage through the eyes of God, you'll discover the divine purpose He had in mind when He brought you and your spouse together. In turn, you'll experience deepened feelings, better communication, and a rekindling of the romance you once shared. I'll be on hand and look forward to learning alongside of the more than 28,000 couples who have registered to date. For more details and to register, click here or call us at 1-800-AFAMILY.
I hope you can join us!
Copyright © 2009, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Teen-Fueled Tension
Making marriage work as your kids move into adolescence
by Mary Pierce
Just when we thought we'd been married long enough to figure out a few things, my husband, Ben, and I woke up with teenagers in our home. As we entered the turbulent teen years, we were forced to deal with a growing number of crises fueled by our three daughters' rising estrogen levels.
Ben and I struggled to stay on the same team, and sometimes we found ourselves on opposite sides. That's what happened one evening as we argued about teaching our oldest daughter how to drive.
My husband had already given her a few lessons in a large parking lot. I thought she was ready for a new challenge, so I let her try her fledgling skills on the back roads. When I told Ben about our little adventure—including our near accident at an intersection—he wasn't pleased.
"What do you mean, you took her on the back roads?" he fumed. "And you almost got hit?"
I defended my decision. "I thought she could handle the car well enough. I just forgot that she wasn't used to road signs and other vehicles yet."
Ben's anger was sparked by his fatherly concern. Working as an EMT and firefighter, he'd seen his share of road fatalities. But I felt he was challenging my parenting skills. Instead of steering the discussion in a positive direction, I wanted to prove I was right.
As the argument escalated, I realized we had once again squared off against each other instead of tackling the issue together. After our emotions cooled, we both acknowledged that we needed to take steps to protect our marriage during the turbulent teen years.
New reasons to argue
Parenting teens provides a new set of conflicts for couples: debates over discipline, respect, privileges, responsibilities, media choices and dating boundaries. Then there are the driving escapades, the increased financial stress, and of course, the delicate dance of holding on and letting go.
Knowing that the kids will soon leave home also can turn parents against each other as they evaluate what's been done correctly—and what hasn't. When my oldest was a senior in high school, I found myself fluctuating between grieving and longing for the day she'd be gone. Most of my concentration and emotions were spent on my kids; it was no wonder that marital tension reached an all-time high during the teen years.
Mounting pressure
Beyond the normal dramas of adolescence, however, teen rebellion creates even greater pressure on a marriage. John Trent, founder of the Center for Strong Families, compares this pressure to pumping air into a balloon without any kind of release. "If couples are experiencing a prodigal kid," Trent says, "then there's tremendous emotion being pumped into the system. It feels like every day is an explosion."
Whether couples are dealing with typical teen issues or outright rebellion, Trent recommends that they take a few moments in their day to ease the building pressure by asking God for the love, patience and kindness that will sustain them through new conflicts. "It's really important to off-load [the stress] to Somebody with really big shoulders, and then we're ready to at least start over from a position of strength," Trent says.
The power of small changes
Trent says the small changes we make in our relationships can pay big dividends in the long run. He describes how he and his wife, Cindy, approached the teen years in their home. John and Cindy asked themselves, What are some small things we can start doing now that will strengthen our relationship?
They resolved to set aside an hour and a half each week to take inventory of their relationship. They would sit at the food court of a mall (a public place where they would not be prone to argue) and talk about family issues—marriage, parenting, whatever the week's challenge. Time away allowed them to work on the small things in their marriage and their family so they would have strength for the big things. It also assured their kids that Mom and Dad were carving out time to nurture a lasting relationship.
Staying connected
Ben and I explored the small changes we could make to strengthen our marriage. We committed to talk openly about parenting issues. We also purposed to stay open-minded and seek counsel when we couldn't agree on how best to deal with the pressure in our home.
To build a sense of camaraderie and connection, we researched hobbies that we could share, and we agreed to count our blessings so that gratitude would keep our hearts entwined.
But more than anything else, the best defenses for our marriage have been forgiveness, accountability, prayer and the Word. They have supplied the grace we need to survive any teen crisis.
I realize more than ever that seasons come and go in our lives and the stress of today will be the wisdom of tomorrow. That wisdom includes trusting a heavenly Father to care for our teens, even as Ben and I hold tight to each other.
This article first appeared in the June/July 2009 issue of Focus on the Family magazine. Copyright © 2009, Pam Woody. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
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